6 horrible stoner personas as represented by ugly lighters
Some of the cannabis community’s most annoying people, as embodied by the amazing lighter designs your local gas station counter has to offer.
Here’s a confession: there’s nothing I love than a good, cheap, ugly lighter. Nearly every time I go into a gas station, I treat myself to the worst lighter I can find.
Dumb weed pun? Hell yeah. Big jumping fish? Sign me up. Bizarre, clashing pattern? Say no more. I don’t know who these designs are for, outside of collectors like myself, but I do know they’ve got to be for somebody.
Here’s the audience I imagine for each of these *iconic* gas station lighter designs.
The Denver “Entrepreneur” Bro
There are plenty of successful, self-aware, kind entrepreneurs in the rapidly expanding and accelerating world of cannabis. And this d-bag is not one of them.
This is someone who, before legalization in your state, would have been rocking their college fraternity wear at the country club. But now that weed is legal and lucrative, this person has decided that they’re destined to become a titan of the cannabis industry–something they’ve made very clear though aggressive self-promotion on LinkedIn.
Avoid lighting a j around this “start-up founder” unless you want to get talked into buying a ticket to their Dab-N-Disc Golf retreat or investing in their “still in beta” cannabis app that’s going to “revolutionize the industry” before he even hires a developer.
Your hometown “Kingpin”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: when the ghost of your stoner past becomes the ghost of your holiday present.
While you’re back in your hometown, you take a walk down memory lane by buying the same shitty weed you smoked in high school from the very same classmate who sold it to you back then. But now, enjoy that interaction with a touch of knock-off Scarface bravado.
But woof, buying from this person also comes with a hefty side of:
1. small talk about what your old classmates are up to
2. reports of their paranoid sightings of “DEA agents” around their apartment complex, and
3. a lot of boasting about their “connections” aka selling to your middle school science teacher and the night manager at the good grocery store in town.
Still, when you’re home for the holidays and without another option, you absolutely will have to go see this person. They will sell you “the best shit in town” aka mid (if you’re lucky) or schwag (if they’re consistent).
Etsy Crystal Shop Owner
Did you want unsolicited medical advice from a blindingly confident person who is completely unqualified to give it? Then you’re lighting up with the right stoner!
Sure, your chronic back pain may be bothering you, but that’s just because you haven’t stared at a chunk of quartz long enough to balance your Solar Plexus chakra or whatever.
Oh, you don’t like yoga? Well, that’s just because you haven’t tried their CBD yoga class. Someone in your family battling a terminal illness? Well, just let this person explain to you how cancer is just a Big Pharma hoax.
Knit Poncho Guy
A mass of cheesy chip dust smeared on a couch cushion made (somewhat) sentient, the knit poncho guy is single-handedly keeping the industry of chunky knit ponchos in business.
Outside of loving weed, Rick & Morty, Libertarianism and Xbox, much of this person is a mystery. What do they do? How do they pay the rent? Why are they so unwashed, yet so wildly confident?
Extra points if this person happens to be a greasy white guy with a foul ponytail and an incredibly dirty, never-before-cleaned bong on his coffee table. Really completes the look.
High Tolerance Bragger
Oh, did that edible get you stoned? Weird! Edibles never really do it for this person. They totally took a 500 mg gummy last week and didn’t feel anything. Must be that mega-high, super, super cool tolerance they are literally always talking about.
The High Tolerance Bragger is essentially the tired vegan joke with a stoner twist: how do you know if someone has a high tolerance for cannabis? They’ll tell you about a hundred times within the first couple tokes of a smoke sesh.
And if they don’t even feel it, why are they smoking all your weed? Like, what is the purpose? Just to burn through your supply while constantly, proudly proclaiming how not-high they are? What a cool, tough, strong badass.
The F*cking Mooch
Somehow, it’s always the Mooch with nothing to contribute that finds themselves gliding into every bong rotation and blunt circle with a pocketful of big cannabis opinions. But that’s not the only nefarious activity the Mooch will pull: they will also steal your f*cking lighter.
It will happen fast. You’ll just be sitting in a circle, enjoying a smoke with your friends. Sure, you’ll notice a few interlopers. Maybe a guy boasting too loud about his dab rig start-up, some chick talking too much about Burning Man before passing, maybe someone who’s selfishly torching the bowl. However, these are not the people you need to look out for. You’re looking for the quiet type. The unassuming person who’s keeping to themselves.
And while they’re doing that, you need to keep an eye on your lighter. If you don’t, you may lose the gorgeous, jumping bass fish lighter of your dreams.
C. Merten is a Chicago-based writer, creative, and cannabis enthusiast. Their passions include breakfast, 70’s music, pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain.